In an increasingly strange series of events, the D.E.A. has been forced to credit their latest marijuana bust to crop circles. The field in question, to be found in rural Atlanta Michigan is thought to be one of the many belonging to the dangerous Toivo Cartel, known best for the “special brownies” found in a nearby high school.
The circles were discovered in late March, by one Jeremiah Flabergausten, who was driving along one evening when he saw bright green lights east of town, “They were glowin' right brightly, green too, bright green glooowin' lights,” as he describes them.
It was not until the next day that he went to discover the source, “I got in me truck with ol' Duke an' my shotgun to go find them glowin' lights I saw the night before. Went east from my farm, headed towards the ol' Bacon farm, or was it Burg farm? No, no, the old Bacon farm. It didn't take long before ol' Duke started a-barkin' and next thing I knew he was pullin' me out of my truck down some ratty ol' two-track.” And it was down that two track that Mr. Flabergausten found the field. “There were all these funny lines, sort of like one of them crop circles you always hear 'bout. 'Cept it looked like them martians were drunk, feeling all excited like. I grabbed ol' Duke an' ran back to me truck, never did look and see what sort o' field it was.” The next day, after calling his good friend Joe Idjitson about the crop circles, Mr. Flabergausten went down to the Turkey Club to tell the town when the D.E.A. approached him, “At first they looked like those 'Men In Black' that Jimmy keeps tellin' me about, 'til one of them pulled out his badge, said he was with the D.E.A, wanted me to show 'em the field I found the other day. Said somethin' 'bout that marijuana stuff.” Mr. Flabergausten and the two unnamed D.E.A. Agents made their way to the nearby air strip where they rented Sherman Tank's crop duster from which they took this photo:
After visual confirmation, the D.E.A quickly obtained a warrant, with which they determined that the field was full of Cannabis sativa, commonly known as marijuana. But the main focus of the ongoing investigation is not the field – the Toivo Cartel has many – but the Martians.
The real concern is how marijuana effects them, and according to resident specialist, Dr. Glamdreg Gobligukin, “considering the the average size of bogudous creaturous the effects of marijuana are greatly increased. And being the gateway drug that it is, marijuana might not be the end of their dangerous activities.” Yet it might not end there, for three days after the initial report, a field in neighboring Oscoda County was found covered in Methamphetamine. The event is described to us by D.E.A. agent 'sNeAkYmAn01' “The crime most likely committed by either the Men In Black, or the Ultrasonics, in hope of capturing, and experimenting on any Martians foolish enough to come.”
And that is not all, says physiologist, Dr. Lionel Sakoshmit, “If the Martians are starting to experiment with drugs, the effect on our society will be massive, it will make the 60s seem like a teenager with aerosol in comparison.” Yet neither does it stop there, for top-notch event forecaster, Madam Charlatim predicts that Martian drugs will enter earth markets “On the day of Epitaph in the year of the three headed chicken. (1-800-1134 extension 42 for more information, $7 per minute, no refund)”
The ongoing investigation is still the only hope to combat this threat; using advanced copepod detectors, and placebo arrays, it is only a matter of time before the D.E.A. finds this threat, for according to agent 'InViSoDuDe' “All we need to find out is what they had for lunch, then we got 'em.”
Editors note: D.E.A stands for “Don't Eat Anything” and Epitaph day is April 6th. The year of the three headed chicken is 2011.